After finishing another book on codependency, I am only now verily certain that I suffer a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder related to childhood wounds, exacerbated by a series of life traumas as well as repeated difficulties that have triggered it. Although I am tempted at times to think I have made no progress, simply because the wound remains tender, the evidence is quite the contrary. I almost never take out my pain on other people anymore; even in my own mind and emotions I protect them from my angry monkey brain. I work very very very hard at this, because the monkey is a monster. I have become a great monkey killer over the years. I refuse to accept non-constructive motivations toward the people I love, even if I can't stop them from repeatedly rising up. I can give the benefit of the doubt and forgive and work through almost anything with someone if they will give me the chance and meet somewhere in the middle (I'll be forced to do it alone if they don't). Thinking unloving thoughts about people is to me such an unbearable violation of my faith. And it is enhanced by my wounds. I am less adept at protecting myself, however. I take serious beatings from the monster sometimes; even to the point that I can barely make it through my daily duties. I'm talking about days that feel like they go on for weeks. It's absolutely brutal and physically exhausting. Telling me to just ignore it, or shake it off, or man up, or just let go, is counter-productive. Its like telling someone with bipolar disorder not to be so extreme. The difficulty is already there whether we want it or not. To top it off, we feel burdensome to the people we love as the burdens we bear might be somewhat contagious. During the worst times for sure. There is a process here I have been working on as well, and my recent break has pushed the whole thing into overdrive.
Holding boundaries with ourselves and others is where the healing happens. For myself, I do well with forcing my monkey to reason. I force us to examine all the evidence in context. I can keep him busy for long stretches with these logic games. I.E. She only said that because she is struggling with X right now and doesn't realize that I've been doing Y for her, so I understand and hope for the time when I will be understood as well. The logic of the cross is the ultimate trump card of course, when all else fails, but we want to have more pragmatic responses as well. The Lord only wants us to bear what we have to bear and not to add to it by being mentally/physically/relationally lazy. However, all the non-Jesusy answers are going to be temporary. The monkey will be back with new data soon. Where does he get this data from I wonder? *cough* spirits *cough*. My heart apparently is a landing field for imaginings that I don't own and often don't approve of. I know the difference between my own creations and those from above or below. That's my discernment to make, so unless you're my spiritual director, stay out of it. If you don't believe me you can't teach me. Which leads me to the prognosis of a new boundary I must enforce in my life. I need to be trusted and listened to in my relationships (you'd think it would go without saying...). I'm not suggesting that I deserve the trust or ear of a stranger, because knowledge about someone and trusting them go hand in hand. But people act like that means you have to distrust everyone!!! No, no, no, no, no. Distrust should follow the same rule of being tempered by knowledge of a person. I can't tell you how many times I have been accused of crimes by people, expressing utter certainty, who couldn't possibly have the knowledge required to file the charge. Some evidence isn't sufficient evidence my dear shallow world. I'm sorry that this culture taught you to judge everything by its surface impression, I really am sorry. This is the anti-climax of Western Civilization. Consulting the other person BEFORE making the assumption is vital. Often I have felt like my entire adult life should be evidence to the contrary of an accusation, but that's not enough, or its overlooked, when the monkey gets ahold of them. I am not saying I can't or don't sin anymore, but please, acknowledge my goodness first. Five affirmations before a single criticism! That is a loving friendship. I understand if its too much work to be worth it sometimes, but I'm going to be the last one to accept that. I like the work. I think that is where love really is. Communion. I die for you, you die for me, I resurrect, you resurrect, repeat. But when its: I die, I die, I die, I die, I die, I die, I die, I die, you die, repeat, um, something's off here.
So when the monkey can't get me from within, he tries to get me from without. He knows exactly how to get in too. Through the women that I love the most; this is where the lie is so wrong that the fact they are even entertaining it is degrading to my core. I fight heroically for Our Lady and my women, its a critical point in my identity. Why would I want to be around women who don't honor that? Strange to me how secular women seem to see it and appreciate it better than my Catholic sisters. Truly, I am not standing for the emotional abuse anymore. Its triggering to me. If the relationship isn't giving me anything in return, why would I stay around? I have been too lenient with people. Its an insult to God, because it is unjust. A false assumption once and awhile is normal of course, and good communication skills will stomp it out right away. In fact, if the communication highway is open, I can take pretty intense triggering. Like I said, I fight heroically when the one I am fighting for loves me and leaves me with a promise of love. So long as I know the person cares enough to work through it with me, and is humble enough to acknowledge they may be wrong, that's a healthy relationship and I am all about it. I don't have to feel guilty about the fact that relationship with me requires more work than it does with others. That's because I am actually trying to become a saint here. I am at war with pretension and falsehood. It doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun, it just means that visits with my inner child require the admission price of a holy effort in communication first. If the price is too high, its too high. Come back when you've built up more spiritual capital. If you don't know how to listen, then stop talking so much. As soon as I feel like I'm the dumping ground for someone's woundedness, I'm closing shop and shipping out. Like they just use me and leave me, that's wrong and they need to learn. I'll be kind and help if I can, but I cannot subject myself to that continual abuse. So I won't. That's my codependent creed.
P.S. I am a total sucker for repentance and apologies.
One of my prayers was clearly answered. I got the direction I needed and I made a very liberating decision. Its a crazy life. You would think that love would be easier to live. I feel terrible for all the people who learned love from Hollywood and television. Narcissistic 'love'. The addiction and idolatry of novelty and pleasure. From this culture of death, Jesus, deliver us. I hate the devil for his victories over my family and friends. Not that they aren't good people, no worse than me; I just hate that we allow so many barriers to love in our relationships. A lot of it is really unnecessary. Always taking out our hurt on other people. We can allow the hurt to be crucified with Christ and sent back to hell where it belongs. But not often do we succeed, since it requires a natural death. Our nature is programmed to avoid death. We defend ourselves. We want retribution. We want someone to save us from the burden.
On the contrary, we shouldn't hold onto a burden that's not efficacious. This is my problem. It usually begins involuntarily as empathetic intercession, but then I don't know when to let go. I just want to get the crucifixion over with and get out of this gross and suffocating world. I want to give my all, all at once, so I can go home. But I don't exactly get to choose my cross. My cross was chosen for me from eternity. I knew this one wasn't mine when I felt no more joy in it. I don't mean pleasure. The pleasure for me died long ago. But there was still joy in the barrenness, in the hope of resurrection. A tree with no fruit withers and dies. I thought it might be saved, but its already dead. I suspect it was never the living tree I thought it was. Merely another hard lesson from the Gardener. It takes two to raise life, and I was doing all the work alone. So God pulled me away from trying to save it. I am starting over. Rediscovering myself through the eyes of the Father. Allowing myself to be the uncompromising man that I know He's made me to be. Searching for the place that can receive my passion. Fighting evil with patience, purity, meekness, and humility. Walking through the darkness following His light. God be with you too.
Lord, pull together these broken experiences and give them meaning. I am lost again. Renew me in Your new creation. Guide me please.
Its hard to have a five-year financial plan and stick to it, while you feel like the world is falling apart around you. Its still worth keeping commitments for the sake of integrity and holiness, but it is hard to believe that it is actually going to pay off in any material sense. I've felt this way for almost two decades now. I understand that some of this emotion is just my personality type; I fly to extremes quite easily and I am hungry for that state of necessity that makes me feel truly alive. I have been learning how to cultivate this passion in the mundane, but part of me still keeps looking over its shoulder for the end times. Know what I mean? Like I am here plowing my field, day after day, secretly hoping with a holy fear to be summoned to join the Church's crusade against Satan and his warlords. I mean a literal war. Which is probably coming soon. When rationality and communication break down, violence is all that's left on the table. The transition from monk to knight really shouldn't be that hard, assuming we have accepted enough pressure on ourselves in the monastic life. Right? We don't get to Heaven without a fight. The dragon is here. Right now in your face, telling you to take the easy road; offering you pleasure and comfort and fun. Meanwhile, our family and friends are falling into hell by the droves. Send me Lord. I will go. Continue to show me the way.
My only reason for seeking financial freedom is to have the personal freedom to begin the school of life that burns in my soul. A safe haven for Catholic families (including my own if I am so blessed) amidst this deceitful and depraved generation. I don't think we realize how bad it is out there. We are losing ground like late Rome, the barbarians are in the gates, and Catholics are still casually philosophizing and living comfortable lives like spoiled hippies. The Truth will hurt people, but nobody wants to do that hard work anymore. Nobody wants to take the hit from their retribution. No godly correction is accepted without anger these days. Because we lack virtue. When virtue fails the sword will return. History is violent because God is fighting for our souls and the reality of death is going to be the last call to action for a lot of overly complacent people. Let us not be one of them, Lord, and fight now with all our strength to win souls without blood. I already know I have failed more than I will want to see, but Father lead me to a better life, a better use of time, that I might fail You no more.
As I reflect on my miracle month, I am grateful, but not thrilled. I want to give more in this next month, In fact, I've already begun a new set of goals today. It is going to be hard, like a trial of fire, and so it is. Until the mark of habit is burned in my skin. Let it sow love to my future vocation. I have this gift for adaptive enculturation with an always learning love combined with a fervent desire to be a saint. Since the future of our country is very uncertain, I am trying to have a plan A, B, and C. No matter what, I know I must keep The Father at the forefront of my consciousness, to listen and follow His Will in all things, to face the day's difficulties with His power going before me. He has been teaching me how to transfigure these mundane and profane worldly deeds into beautiful acts of creative will/love. Works to lay at the feet of my beloved when she comes, and again to the Beloved when He comes. I feel the call to marriage, and I feel the call to children. I am going to continue to prepare myself to be the best husband and father I can be. My past was not a mistake, it was preparation, the present is not a roadblock, it is merely a challenge. My present endevour will take more than human will to bear through, but I shall put my faith in the Father who loves and leads, protects and saves me. For His glory I will serve.
To live in the world and not be of the world. A strange and fearful call. The more we engage in politics, economics, culture, the more they seem to suck us into their dead ends. Shrewd as serpents, innocent as doves, He says, and the children of the earth show more ingenuity than the children of the light. With the Holy Spirit I can change this stereotype. I have to try and try and try. One morning at a time. I know we can never have utopia here, yet every move we make is an attempt in that direction. It has to be. The inertia to perfection is woven into us. To build the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. But its not a prosperity Gospel, and life will not play-out as planned. We will fail, but we will succeed in having made a true and holy effort. Some, in their refusal to accept the inevitability of death, psychological, physical and civil, believe that they can overcome mortality through technology. This error displaces the flesh and blood of the common man, becoming a choice of outward pride and hidden envy. Playback the history of civilization. The American system was built on the premise that worldly power is dangerous in this way and therefore must be fractionated and subsidiary. Yet we still defend the union, we don't sacrifice solidarity. This is a unique land in its potential fertility for the Catholic mission. Those who want to make the state their Church (i.e. socialism) will have the same hostility to Judeo-Christian culture as communism did. If we can preserve our Constitution's unprecedented historical balance, we should try. Even if it means succession for half the country. As in our souls and spirits, we must nurture the parts in order that they all might fully serve the whole.
In the Litany of Saint Joseph, one of his titles is 'Lover of Poverty'. Why does he love poverty? Isn't he worried about the most beautiful woman ever created and the God-man whom he must raise; isn't he worried that they might not be shown the due dignity and the majesty they deserve. Of course he is. It is one of his greatest sorrows that Mary and Jesus are born in an stable built for animals. Yet, into that very place were carried the treasures of the East: wisdom, gold, knowledge, frankincense, understanding, and myrrh; the bended-knees of foreign kings gave worship to a baby in a trough. Did Joseph spare a single thought not addressed to the Heavenly Father in intercession for these two? No. Do we doubt that his role in the shadow was efficacious? Of course not. Sometimes the spiritual life takes everything from us. But this makes us pure. Like St Joseph's staff, earthly riches bloom on the branch of spiritual purity. The branch was the necessary foundation. This is why Joseph is the lover of poverty. For in poverty is humility and such lowliness blossoms with Heavenly aid.
Still, there is more. Can we believe that Joseph was one of the world's most talented artisans? Why not? Can we also believe that he was one of the most brilliant entrepreneurs? I think we can. So why was he poor? By no fault of his own but of providence itself. These thirty days speak to my heart of this truth, that I can work with all my strength to build a fortified spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, and communal home, but finally it will be my own Father who provides it to me first. It may seem that I am behind the curve, but I am actually ahead. The Lord granted to me eyes to see the Logos of time's priorities. Mastery of the moment is the saintly gate. This power is The Spirit Himself. I was led by my Lord of Love to put first things first. I did so well and to His honor for a decade of my life. Now I must put third things third and win my financial freedom. If it be His Will. This will require a sacred effort and unwavering faith. I can't know until I throw my passion at it, like I always do for Him, and in Him now for my future wife and children. My age and receding energy is not a hindrance, it is meant to be; its just more poverty. If this is the wrong road, He will let me know, but now it feels right. Even if the effort is only to make me holier, so be it. My poverty is the material manifestation of a spiritual truth. I will always be poor before God, one way or another we will always be poor. Let us be poor in the ways we need to be for our salvation and rich in the ways we need to be for our salvation. I do not love poverty for poverty's sake. Increase my Faith oh Lord in the miracles you do for holy husbands and their families. So that I might shoot my children straight back to You, repairing the broken arrows of my ancestors, and giving the fruit of my energies to the service of Your Church. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, pray for us.
Still here. Still rising early. Still praying every day for you. Just giving myself the freedom to post only when I feel inspired, although I encourage all to keep a regular writing habit.
The Father took me aside to renew my strength and give me new vision. He is present to me. He loves me. He is proud of me. He gives me power over evil and breaks through the unbreakable in my life. He heals my wounds. He guards my heart. He appreciates all the wonderful gifts I have. He encourages me to keep exercising them. Even in the dark desert night we are together, perhaps at a distance at times, but I see Him or know Him near. And we are moving, always moving, He keeps me moving. This is not the opposite of quiet or stillness, it is the embodiment of it. For to sit in the pain is only to let it paralyze me. I must keep in step with the Spirit. I am making progress in detachment from this girl. This is no way implies that I am pushing away my love for her or trying to forget her or replace her, such would merely be the easy way out and a short term solution. Not to mention, I would just be using another woman if I went that route. Obviously, I am still in love with her and that is why this hurts so much. I’d die to feel again the holy tenderness of her heart and the incomparable radiance of her beauty. And so I have died and I will continue to die. Detachment is not letting go in the sense of stepping over her or judging her or convincing myself that she doesn’t deserve me, or any of this other worldly nonsense. True spiritual detachment, in fact, is increasing attachment to God so that we can hold the things we love in the right way. This is why I have always believed that being in love with someone does not have to be about any particular vocation. It is supposed to have a chaste sexual element and that is okay. It is simply the love that is due to each of us from everyone by the merits of Christ’s body who we are! The journey into this truth is not easy, it’s does not fit the world’s way of treating people as consumer goods, things to be tried and enjoyed and then perhaps returned or tossed away. I have refused to participate in this system of abuse. I am building a better life, the Catholic life, where spiritual virginity and nuptial love coexist in all our interpersonal relations. That is what the Father has been doing with me now these many long years of failure in love, leading me into my kingship through a purgation of continual rejection. I don’t blame anyone for not seeing the truth about me; if my presentation and actions had been purer I could have protected you better from doubt. My suffering continues to improve me in this way, until finally I am able love you with the full self-donation of God. I seek that day more than all else. The devil hates my love and wants me to have no support or hope for this endeavor. I am hurting so much, it feels terrible to wake up almost every morning, but I am so joyful to offer my sufferings for her growth and for the salvation of our families. I was always willing to be whatever I needed to be to be a blessing to her. God put her in front of me and so I loved her with all my heart. If He slowly takes her from my heart, than so be it; if He brings her back to me, so be it. She is free and I am free. But she chose to break our relationship, so the initiative to begin again is hers to bear. The burden of not invading her freedom is mine, and even in these posts I feel guilty for that, although I don't think it is wrong to talk about her. I hope the picture that I paint of her is not too tainted by my agony. When she walks in grace, she really is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. To walk away from such a light has been the most difficult trial of my life. But I must be content to do His Will. He balances my life for me by showing me the reality of the ground beneath me. Because my love is what it is, supernatural at core, I cannot ask for anyone to reciprocate and I cannot chase those who leave. Again this would be the way of the world and not of God. You don’t see Jesus chasing anyone, ever. He makes a gentle invitation and then leaves us to our freedom. The invitation is there to all who I have loved, I have absolutely no barriers up, even to my life’s greatest enemies. I accept anyone who joins me on this journey to Heaven in whatever way the Spirit prompts. If you want to leave this dying world aside and simply love each other, then that to me is the fulfillment of all the prophets and the law. The only true freedom. The discernment of our work together will be gentle and mutual if we do it right. As will our departures. Until the day that Love is all in all.
The Father be with you. Happy Feast of the Maternity of Mary!
Our King is taking me aside for awhile. Don't know when I will return. Love be with you.
So, I have to make some serious changes still. One of them is going to be backing off the posting for awhile. I know you don't see much progress with the courses, but it needs to stay behind the scenes work right now. My flesh is waging war on my spirit. It refuses to follow my will. It refuses to accept the reality I am in. My animal brain has always been over-developed, maybe from physical abuse in the genetic memory, not sure. As a kid, I was a troublemaker, extremely hyper-active, dangerously impulsive, had a raging temper, but I was also exceptional at all physical activities for the same reason. A kid can get pretty far on instinct alone. A good friend once termed it: incarnational. Most regrettably, I did not learn until late (my 20's) that I was supposed to subdue my body to God's will. My body and my intellect are also very tightly interwoven. I sometimes think I should go into the military or get into extreme sports, because when my body feels in danger my thought train speeds up exponentially to get me out of it. Time literally slows way down giving me much more power to act. I feel more alive and in my element than anywhere else. This is also why my suffering can be totally unbearable one minute and then suddenly disappear like a violent storm that rolls away. The suffering is my inability to act even though I am driven by all my survival instinct to do so. Or else I don't yet see how to act because its not physical. On the other side, I find my self in shock of the things I thought and felt while the storm was upon me. You can see why I am attracted to such a passionate Gospel life, radical suffering and radical love. Its just how I was made.
So, where am I now? God has given me much, and I do not appreciate Him enough. I am in a really good position for the mission I am called to. My work day both pays very well, and gives me two essential ingredients to my flourishing: being outside and being alone. This I have been turning into a wonderful time of prayer and study, and all the while building my worldly resources for whatever God needs them for in the future. The problem is that I put myself in a position to be crippled by a woman, who I thought would never actually do the thing that would cripple me. It blindsided me and traumatized me. But the devil has always used women to attack men at their weakest points, from the beginning, I need to start expecting it rather than continuously letting it break me. Her total physical and emotional withdraw was the only thing that could cripple me like this. So of course that's what happened, its been happening for years now. Because I am still not strong enough there. I take the blame. I put too much emotional pressure on her and I didn't protect the boundaries of our friendship. Because I still wasn't strong enough there, I am still trying to give back to my inner child something that he can never get back. That is what this is all about for me.
I am honored that the Lord considers me worthy of such suffering, because of the saint I know He is building me into, yet I am sure I am not capable of bearing it. For this time it is 100x worse than it ever was before. God will take it away or transform it in due time, but I actually don't want Him to until I get this lesson ingrained. He doesn't ask me to kill my hope of its end, but He does ask me not to force or presume the arrival. That's not what I need to focus on. I need to reach out to Him in more extreme ways so that I can control my extreme flesh: these moments of shear panic, severe, almost daily, anxiety attacks, ruthless piercing thoughts that make me sick to my stomach. All this pushes me back into the uncontrolled child I used to be. That's how it is with wounds. Its like a crack in your armor, you take a risk, thinking you are safe, until the blade slips through that crack. Then its all survival mode. The animal brain starts taking over. All the defense mechanisms kick into high gear. And that's where I find myself still, almost everyday, after being essentially ghosted with no warning more than six months ago (in retrospect, there were warning signs but I just had too much faith in us to work it out). Maybe this is us working it out, but without the communication to ground me in her reality, I am totally susceptible to the worst most painful ideas that lurk around my wound. It still hurts like it was yesterday. But even if it hurts like this for the rest of my life, I must go further. My stronghold, my strength, my Lord, my Father, teach me how to love my crucifixion. Teach me to be humble enough to die. My spirit begs you for the love of Yours, unite us in Your Son. Teach me to recognize that it is all His suffering first that I might transcend my own and satiate Him. Forgive me for the times I run away. Deliver me from this fearful body. Make me the man I am destined to be.
So when I say some serious changes are in order, what I mean is that my flesh is not moving on, and I need to start forcing it, in extreme ways, into a new consciousness. Into conformity with my spirit, who simply loves and lets be. The trouble with being so traumatized is that I need very corporeal changes in order to heal. Not mere therapy or knowledge, but tangible differences in my world. I need to suffer in new holy ways. That is to say, I need new deep relationships, new actual ministry, new physical disciplines, and new art (the website is my artistic outlet). Everything is difficult these days, but the private stuff is a little easier to do. I'm setting up a new rule of life to follow for the next thirty days' after this set. Making each task a prayer for someone I love is all the motivation I need with God's help! God, help me! I also may be starting a new ministry soon; I am very hopeful about it. Making new friends in the Church, however, that is going to be much more difficult for me. Even if I can find one local person who is actually available for a deep relationship on my level, it would be a small miracle. It has to be face to face and it has to be somewhat regular. Thats part of the incarnational thing. My body needs to see and feel and hear them directly and frequently. I have a plan for starting this search as well, starting tomorrow evening. We'll see how it goes... Peace be with you.
Forgive me for my selfishness. It comes out when I feel lost and desperate for help. I take up my cross, but then I don't know where to take it. I don't know the details of how to follow Him right now. Still struggling in prayer over the concrete service I am called to give. Trying to learn to follow Him by being still and silent, trusting and waiting. Trying, but not always succeeding. What I share is merely the teaching I have been given. God’s responses to me. The fruits of contemplation. Experiential knowledge. Never mere untested theory. I believe in teaching by letting others witness my life; passing on not only the facts but also the emotional weight of the lessons, present and past. Its not pride to do this. I want to stand beside you, not above you. You are just like me. Maybe we have personality differences, and contrary tastes, but we are all seeking the same End. Praising the same Lord. Feeling the same joys. Filling the same lack in the sufferings of Christ. The path that I choose is always the one that bears faithful witness to the Truth, the truth of the primacy of Love as defined by the Catholic Church. You have to trust me though, if not, the teacher cannot perform his miracles for you here. In turn, I trust you too. Not to give me exactly what I want in this moment, unless God wills it, but always certainly to grow into your full stature of grace. I trust that you will. I pray that you will. All that is left is the careful and plodding work - and fun if we let it be - of hashing out, through community, what we think Love wants us to do, together. Love wants to capture and transform each and every passing thought and emotion and interaction, if only we invite Him to. The more frequently we turn to Love, the faster He does train us in the mind of Christ. The more we start to think like we are Christ in the world today, as we work, as we speak, as we eat and sleep and clean and play, the easier it becomes to make bold decisions for Love's glory. Not as the world loves, but as God loves. Both joy and sorrow. Both wide and deep. Some must love wide to become deep. Others must go deep to grow wide. The more we realize that pouring out this Love is all that matters, and the less time we waste worrying about our earthly status, the more time we can give to each other. All our needs are contained in the gentle, patient, humble, and pure expression of Love. Our worries are a measure of our idolatry. They ought to be kept subordinate. All concern should be for Christ first, always and everywhere, and then, within Him, for the people He puts in our lives. Everything else will take care of itself. We are totally free to give our whole being to following these two commandments. That is the only true freedom. That is the only true faith.
The cabin in my dream represents a deep hideaway in my heart. The deer and the cougar outside my window are natural and feminine beauty and grace, they come close to me because I have great awe, admiration, love and respect toward them. I feed them and they inspire me. The deer however became possessed. Red-eyed, rage-full, and attacking me, ultimately breaking through my cabin door. In my flayed imagination, I am constantly tempted to think this is how the women I love feel about me.
Feminine beauty captured my heart for good many many years ago. Sadly, before I ever had positive experiences with beautiful women, I had many unholy and hurtful interactions. After my conversion, God gave me a series of amazing ladies to build me up in grace and each one bestowed upon me a new spiritual gift. I want to write a book about this someday. My many vocational failures started this pattern over again, and right now, unfortunately, beautiful women are almost exclusively a source of spiritual attack for me - save for a couple cousins who God has put in my life.
This spiritual attack is the evil deer attacking me in the dream. Its as if beauty itself has become hostile to me. Because this was a pattern in my life that I was convinced would end with my last relationship, it sometimes pushes me not to trust beauty anymore, but rather, to use it as it used me. This is the nature of the wound. Its not that I expected her to fix me, I have already been on the healing path for many years, but I did expect her not to judge me and to love and encourage me in the healing process, as I did with her. It wouldn't take that much, a little goes a long way for me, but its still too much to ask I suppose.
This is the unfulfilled promise that hurts me more and more each passing day, the pain that I cannot bear, but somehow must. I try my best not to make my days about myself, but if I was totally selfless I wouldn't be human, and if I thought I could be, that is pride. All the unnecessary drama and emotional violence that you witness in me here, could be quelled by a single heartfelt conversation. It might be difficult, but I feel like I should be more than worth it, and that makes what is already a depressing situation so much worse. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I'm so tired. I feel like I'm losing my head sometimes. I don't understand why. I was fine, I was content. Now I'm barely breathing. One day, one hour, one breath at a time kid. Be present to our dying Lord.
This is what I heard today:
The place I was relocating to in the dream was called (roughly) "dweller near the stronghold" in English. I was reluctant to move until I saw that it was close to a holy community, wherein I knew I could thrive. I also felt this pressure to move in order to please the woman I loved. I wanted to do it for her and it made sense. There was a topographical map showing two mountains, one where we would live and one where the religious community was. Only thirty minutes apart. The Lord was telling me that I need to establish myself in a place of strength (stronghold) close to the Catholic Church and await a revelation for my occupation and vocation. Silly? Maybe. Meaningful to me? Yes.
The hoodlums at Nanny's house symbolized the world trying to take ground from my present home and my Church. I was able to non-violently move them away with some degree of authority. Nanny is the Church as well as the guardian of my vocation generally (its not the real Nanny who has appeared to me in other dreams). But Nanny/the Church won't even look at me... Why? She is the only place I have ever known as home and where I spend all my strength in prayer and work. Why is she ignoring me? Yet it almost seemed unintentional. Like I actually was invisible. She literally cannot see me, or see who I really am... I don't know how to change this yet.
Mom is in the basement trying to clean up broken pieces of drywall... Why does this bother me? Because it is not her home. She doesn't know this place. She in fact is not helping, even though her heart is good in the effort. A woman cannot do this work, its out of her charism. I took from this as a reminder that a woman or women cannot fix the brokenness in the home of my soul. Although a helper would be nice. First, I need to look for a holy man I can learn from. This is hard for me. I don't look up to many men in my world. Not sure why exactly. I don't see many men living the way I want to live I suppose. They have to be a lot older than me usually. My spiritual director is awesome right now, but someone else in the Church, preferably an old and holy husband and father...
The cabin and deer element of the dream, I'll leave for another time, maybe.
Good morning. I am extremely unhappy today. Surprised? I know! Crazy right?! I'm thinking this website isn't helping my life right now. I need to find a way to serve people in the real world, cyber life is draining my soul. Its attractive because it gives me access to such a large audience and so much information, but often I think we were never meant to have this 'gift'. Also the miracle morning doesn't seem to be working for me, I think because its just more work. It would be a different animal if my social and emotional lives were already in order, then I probably would benefit from this extra time alone, but right now it just feels like another task I've undertaken to try to prove to myself that I am worthy to be loved. That's not right. I can't give you what I don't have. It's out of order. I'm only human. God can't expect me to only receive love in this invisible suffering way all the time. Even Jesus got to live a happy family life for thirty years, and He was only abandoned for a short time. Even then, He had loved ones with Him on the cross. I'm not saying I suffer more than Jesus. I'm just saying, my life is not as it should be. I'm going to finish the thirty days, because its a prayer commitment, but I might try something different for the following month.
I am almost finished the dream interpretation book. It is very Christian, very Biblical, I like it. It has me dissecting my unconscious. It is fun to listen to the Lord through dreams. For example, I realized that my Nanny's house represented my sense of home and belonging. Yet, I didn't feel at home there, even though in reality it is the only house I lived in happily for the large majority of my life. When Nanny opened the door to my brother and I, she looked at him with a big smile and said his name, but she never looked at me or spoke to me. Here, obviously is my unconscious reminding me that my brother has been welcomed into a home and I have not. Even in the house, when I sat with Nanny, I felt as if she either didn't know I was there or was completely indifferent to me. My sense of being invisible. It was hurtful because I loved her very much and was excited to she her. In the dream, Nanny represented the pure image of the mother figure in my life and the feminine generally. My own mother was there too, moving things, cleaning up broken pieces of the house. I had this strange feeling like I didn't want to help her because I didn't like whatever she was doing, it seemed unwanted or not her business. Ruminating on this and other dream messages today...
Yesterday ended up being very blessed. A wave of hope came over me and I was happy and having fun at my job again. Thank you for your prayers.
I might start a book today about how God speaks to us in dreams by James Goll. Last night, I had very strange dreams both in general content and in emotional potency. First, I was transferred to a UPS in some province neighboring the Austrian town of Gaming. I was going to work and earn my PhD there. Then my brother and I chased some hoodlums off my Grandma’s property (not hers anymore) and visited with her for awhile (she has been in heaven for over 20 years now). Mom was doing something to Nanny’s house and needed help, but I had to leave to make some time commitment. Then I was at our family cabin, where I also felt a pressure to leave and make some unknown deadline, despite that I could tell dad needed my help with things there. I watched as several deer came all the way up to the windows and even seemed to look inside. They were just deer at first, then it some cougars joined the group. Eventually, as I stared at them, the deer became sentient and humanesque, communicating to me a vague hostility. One finally broke down the door. I woke up. My emotions during my dreams sometimes differs vastly from what I would have felt if the dream situation actually occurred. Those strange emotions linger for awhile. I don’t know that I can communicate what the feeling is like right now. A species of fear perhaps. Fear of letting someone down, a fear of being left behind, a fear of being delusional, a fear of feeling good, a fear of the unknown. Some of that is just the regular morning fear that comes most days now but with an added sense of mystery and unanswered questions. I should try to be extra quiet.
Halfway through these first thirty-days here. Other than suffering with God for the world, I'm not sure much else I do matters. I guess I wouldn't know if it did. I am grateful for the Lord, happy to be with Him, consoled by the fact that His work will be accomplished regardless of me. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this alone. Where are my friends in this mission? Where is my local community?
The tide pulls from my heart.
A dry shore takes the place of living water.
I want to love you.
I don't know how.
Black it wraps my eyes.
All I see is sin in me.
No path or destiny.
Everything feels out of place.
Am I where I'm supposed to be?
The light that I remember is her face.
A beauty that became this heaven ache.
Its all for her and all not good enough.
The love I give to her.
Unites me yet to Him.
So may He love her for me.
May He give her treasures for a queen.
This prayer alone sustains me.
Pain to grace the aging ways of men.
With this death.
I know its not the end.
The moon has lifted it.
I rest and wait.
Until the water falls again.
If you didn't know, there are a growing number of 'traditionalist' Catholics highly suspicious, if not overtly opposed, to the agenda of Pope Francis. They respect the office of the papacy, and its inherent charism, but they nevertheless maintain that the Pontiff is part of a masonic globalist cue-de-ta within the Church. The recently published book Infiltration by Dr. Taylor Marshall tells the story in detail. The masonic cult inspires the worldview of the radical left. Its simply modern gnosticism, the age old allure to power and immortality through secret knowledge. It begins with technocracy: the rule of technology to amplify human efficiency. It becomes the replacement of the human with the mechanical. You can see it in the dismantling of sexuality and the family. Machines are asexual after all. Sex detached from nature is merely a pleasurable transaction with infinite forms of variety. The idea of the self-aware computer, true artificial intelligence, is nothing less than a human attempt to give evil a body. For evil is calculation without love. Only God can bestow the Spirit of Love. Might He grant His Life to a machine, as in so many science-fiction tales of our time, i.e. The Matrix? It remains to be seen, but I doubt it. I think we are much more likely to see some type of demonic transfiguration of a computer. Creepy, I know.
I'm not trying to be alarmist. Evil is evil and there will always be plenty of it until the end of days. Tomorrow will be anxious for itself. When it it is no longer expedient to hide, the devil will take his place on the throne of the dying world. I am mainly concerned with preserving and protecting my Mother and my Body, the remnant Catholic Church. I really think we are going to have to start building Catholic neighborhoods again, too much distance breeds division and makes our charity to each other less practical. We need each other. We are living in a hostile culture. We can't count on secular people's goodness when they haven't been purified in the heart of Christ. Yes, we are all sinners, the difference is whether one clings to Christ and His sacraments or not. Us clingers need each other terribly. And not just from screen to screen. Even our own families can turn against us when the hard Christian choices must be made. I'm not hoping for that, I'm just preparing for it. I pray to our Immaculate Mother to bind us back together again, as a family, of one mind, in one Spirit; that we might support each other and convert our culture by the witness of our Love.