In fear and trembling I share some of what the Lord spoke to me in the last 24 hours. I need to remember, to stay stronger for the next depression. I'm looking for a better way to take notes at work, I forget too much of what God speaks. Thanks to James W. Goll and you for all your prayers.
God knew I needed a day in the light. Walking in the light is knowing and feeling God's presence and power in me and around me and being present to Him as His eager son. When I am in the darkness He stays with me, but I can no longer sense Him or feel Him. I am tempted to blame some natural cause, something I ate, or that I didn't eat enough, or some mistake I made, or some lack of love on my part. The truth is that God withdraws at times for no reason that we can immediately comprehend. Withdrawing from our flesh, but not our spirits. In so doing, the flesh is allowed to rise up in prideful rebellion against our spirit. Remember, the love given in the darkness is even more powerful because it is more pure.
God calls me to prophetic intercession. I have known this for a long time. I am asked to bear a spiritual burden that is not mine as prayer for another. The darkness is sometimes training in this gift and sometimes it is the actual intercession itself.
The war is each and every day. Whether a war in the world breaks out or not, war is coming for every follower of Christ. If we gird up for the battle each day and to some extent expect to be attacked, then we will be prepared when it comes. This life is a spiritual war. But let us take on no more than the difficulties of a single day, lest we grow in pride. Until recently I think I was only fighting my battles in the hope to one day find peace on this earth. I don't think I expect that anymore. I will have peace when I die. However, the turmoil in my soul does not prevent me from being humble, pure, gentle, and patient. These virtues are my invincible shield against all suffering and all obstacles. They are virtues of grace, for especially in the dark, I have no strength of my own.
The weakness in my armor has always been this wound about not feeling known and loved by the people I have known and loved the most. I hear a hundred lies from them each day. It is most acute as regards to the women in my life. I always slide into feeling judged as impure in one way or another and unworthy of any lasting relationship. I cast no blame and I hold no unforgiveness (although I have to daily re-up my forgiveness with this). The wound wasn't given to me by anyone intentionally. It just is what it is, a wound with deep roots into my childhood and exacerbated by constant relational instability into my twenties. The devil came after this wound when I was most vulnerable - before my conversion and in the early naive years after my conversion. But even after God saved my life, I came under attack every time I threw my heart into a vocational relationship. Only a couple times did it end gracefully. Remember, suffering is the efficiency of love, so while the devil thought he would turn me from God by attacking at my weak point over and over and over again, God used it, and still uses it, to continually build new fortifications in this broken wall of my heart. The Lord stacks thousands of bricks of faith, hope, and love for Himself, and for my loved ones on earth, as well as all those who hurt me, into this breach. The result is that God made me more worthy, more pure, more holy each time, and when the one breach is filled, I will be ready for the fulfillment of the promise. It won't be an end of the wound, but it will be the day my wound becomes my wings. He shows me glimpses of the promise to renew my weary heart.
I do believe and hope in a vocational answer for myself. I long for a companion on this journey very very very much, to the point of tears many times a day, yet I cannot go after that desire anymore. He wants me to trust Him here and now to give me what I need for my daily bread. I don't need to do anything but send my love to her from where I am. I can add manageable challenges to my life and approach them as prayer commitments. Praying for people satisfies my suffering soul with the soothing blood and water of Christ's body. I have some family to take care of now. I can increase my giving and my responsibilities as I go. That's all I need. I'm done "working on myself". I don't care what my market value is. I'm not looking to be loved anymore. I just need to give my love away, that is it. God will continue working on me, but its not about me for me anymore. I am desperate to love my beloveds on this earth. Time and space are no hindrance to the realization of that dream. My dream of being a saintly lover is here. Sweet Love, be my love, always. Amen.