Are we stuck seeing the world at low resolution? Ironic, in light of our perpetual pixel densening devices. Maybe our bodies are beginning to think screens are more real than nature. Do people realize how shallow the culture has become? Without a proper education in history, probably not. Progressive education claims everything is always getting better. Time itself is what is good. Not God. Not man. But is faster really objectively better? It is efficient for decision making I suppose, we move too quickly to appreciate the depth of every moment; in some cases, a superficial glance is all one can give. My fear, though, is that we are missing God when we live this way. Truth is paradoxical. If you can't learn to see two contrary ideas as simultaneous realities, you are bound to think you have to take a side where, really both sides by themselves are wrong. We are missing the third-option, the faith option. Faith frees us to take the time and do the work to see the other. Seeing in a biblical sense; the archenemy of screens.
I’ve been told that I am too intense by multiple people in my life. Each time, it has puzzled me. Are you sure? What does that even mean? I believe I am actually very lite-hearted. But it takes gravitas to have true levity, no? Perhaps I need to work on expressing my lightness better. Children help. I think what they are actually noticing is that I am looking and listening for the Lord. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Could be. Then there are some folks who just aren’t comfortable digging under the surface of their behaviors or emotions at all, and are even offended by the idea that their initial judgment or feeling or intuition of a situation may be far from the mark. People feel entitled to fly on the winds of superficiality and don't want to be told that they might be flying into a lie, or landing in sin. They want to live from that safe balcony where the world is unabrasive and noncommittal. Like watching TV. I get it, and I do it too, but usually I am more concerned that the house is built on sand the balcony is about to fall. Reality requires a lot more work, discerning God's Will is an agony in the garden. We have to suffer it and take the propositions head on. Personally, I am really struggling to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. I don't want to use anybody else - through judgment or blame or anger or indifference, through rejection or withdrawal or manipulation or objectification - just to make it a little easier on myself. I'd rather be wronged, I'd rather consider them better than myself. God ends it when He wills.
I heard a self-help piece on vulnerability yesterday that basically asserted vulnerability for vulnerability's sake is stupid. It made me reflect because I have frequently responded to the superficiality of life by intentionally over-exposing my soft parts and conserving my strengths. Almost a shock-and-awe technique of getting someone to emotionally invest in me for a moment. I intentionally lead with my weakness. In this way, I can cut through the shallowness right from the start. It only works because my vulnerability is authentic too, I am actually exposed (this is where the stupidity comes in). If the other person isn't scared of vulnerability, the response is usually fun and often encouraging and strengthening. But some people see a weakness and go right for the kill. Fortunately, I am rarely surprised by that response anymore, especially from a stranger, and I can laugh off a fairly high degree of cruelty towards myself. I actually have a great deal of sympathy and understanding for hard-hearted people. They don't hurt me as much because I am very sensitive to the fact that its those who are hurting the most who hurt others the most.
So here I am. Bleeding all over my readers. Struggling with all my energy just to get through each day. Carrying a burden I never would have asked for. Because when I write this junk, even though I don't hear back directly much, it sculpts a monument of my vulnerable state to be judged by God, myself, and others. It allows me to view my state of being from a new point of being. Something to be held accountable for. Something that I can love, not because its superficially beautiful or morally flawless, but because it was made out of the most precious parts of myself. I will feel all the cruel thoughts you have in reaction to me. It will be worth it simply because I tried my best to be deeply, biblically real with you. Authenticity for God's sake. I boast of my weakness that I might know His strength. My vulnerability makes me a better man; its a self-crucifixion to the superficial, but a resurrection to the wise.