Good morning. I am extremely unhappy today. Surprised? I know! Crazy right?! I'm thinking this website isn't helping my life right now. I need to find a way to serve people in the real world, cyber life is draining my soul. Its attractive because it gives me access to such a large audience and so much information, but often I think we were never meant to have this 'gift'. Also the miracle morning doesn't seem to be working for me, I think because its just more work. It would be a different animal if my social and emotional lives were already in order, then I probably would benefit from this extra time alone, but right now it just feels like another task I've undertaken to try to prove to myself that I am worthy to be loved. That's not right. I can't give you what I don't have. It's out of order. I'm only human. God can't expect me to only receive love in this invisible suffering way all the time. Even Jesus got to live a happy family life for thirty years, and He was only abandoned for a short time. Even then, He had loved ones with Him on the cross. I'm not saying I suffer more than Jesus. I'm just saying, my life is not as it should be. I'm going to finish the thirty days, because its a prayer commitment, but I might try something different for the following month.
I am almost finished the dream interpretation book. It is very Christian, very Biblical, I like it. It has me dissecting my unconscious. It is fun to listen to the Lord through dreams. For example, I realized that my Nanny's house represented my sense of home and belonging. Yet, I didn't feel at home there, even though in reality it is the only house I lived in happily for the large majority of my life. When Nanny opened the door to my brother and I, she looked at him with a big smile and said his name, but she never looked at me or spoke to me. Here, obviously is my unconscious reminding me that my brother has been welcomed into a home and I have not. Even in the house, when I sat with Nanny, I felt as if she either didn't know I was there or was completely indifferent to me. My sense of being invisible. It was hurtful because I loved her very much and was excited to she her. In the dream, Nanny represented the pure image of the mother figure in my life and the feminine generally. My own mother was there too, moving things, cleaning up broken pieces of the house. I had this strange feeling like I didn't want to help her because I didn't like whatever she was doing, it seemed unwanted or not her business. Ruminating on this and other dream messages today...