miracle morning 19

The cabin in my dream represents a deep hideaway in my heart. The deer and the cougar outside my window are natural and feminine beauty and grace, they come close to me because I have great awe, admiration, love and respect toward them. I feed them and they inspire me. The deer however became possessed. Red-eyed, rage-full, and attacking me, ultimately breaking through my cabin door. In my flayed imagination, I am constantly tempted to think this is how the women I love feel about me.

Feminine beauty captured my heart for good many many years ago. Sadly, before I ever had positive experiences with beautiful women, I had many unholy and hurtful interactions. After my conversion, God gave me a series of amazing ladies to build me up in grace and each one bestowed upon me a new spiritual gift. I want to write a book about this someday. My many vocational failures started this pattern over again, and right now, unfortunately, beautiful women are almost exclusively a source of spiritual attack for me - save for a couple cousins who God has put in my life.

This spiritual attack is the evil deer attacking me in the dream. Its as if beauty itself has become hostile to me. Because this was a pattern in my life that I was convinced would end with my last relationship, it sometimes pushes me not to trust beauty anymore, but rather, to use it as it used me. This is the nature of the wound. Its not that I expected her to fix me, I have already been on the healing path for many years, but I did expect her not to judge me and to love and encourage me in the healing process, as I did with her. It wouldn't take that much, a little goes a long way for me, but its still too much to ask I suppose.

This is the unfulfilled promise that hurts me more and more each passing day, the pain that I cannot bear, but somehow must. I try my best not to make my days about myself, but if I was totally selfless I wouldn't be human, and if I thought I could be, that is pride. All the unnecessary drama and emotional violence that you witness in me here, could be quelled by a single heartfelt conversation. It might be difficult, but I feel like I should be more than worth it, and that makes what is already a depressing situation so much worse. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.