So, I have to make some serious changes still. One of them is going to be backing off the posting for awhile. I know you don't see much progress with the courses, but it needs to stay behind the scenes work right now. My flesh is waging war on my spirit. It refuses to follow my will. It refuses to accept the reality I am in. My animal brain has always been over-developed, maybe from physical abuse in the genetic memory, not sure. As a kid, I was a troublemaker, extremely hyper-active, dangerously impulsive, had a raging temper, but I was also exceptional at all physical activities for the same reason. A kid can get pretty far on instinct alone. A good friend once termed it: incarnational. Most regrettably, I did not learn until late (my 20's) that I was supposed to subdue my body to God's will. My body and my intellect are also very tightly interwoven. I sometimes think I should go into the military or get into extreme sports, because when my body feels in danger my thought train speeds up exponentially to get me out of it. Time literally slows way down giving me much more power to act. I feel more alive and in my element than anywhere else. This is also why my suffering can be totally unbearable one minute and then suddenly disappear like a violent storm that rolls away. The suffering is my inability to act even though I am driven by all my survival instinct to do so. Or else I don't yet see how to act because its not physical. On the other side, I find my self in shock of the things I thought and felt while the storm was upon me. You can see why I am attracted to such a passionate Gospel life, radical suffering and radical love. Its just how I was made.
So, where am I now? God has given me much, and I do not appreciate Him enough. I am in a really good position for the mission I am called to. My work day both pays very well, and gives me two essential ingredients to my flourishing: being outside and being alone. This I have been turning into a wonderful time of prayer and study, and all the while building my worldly resources for whatever God needs them for in the future. The problem is that I put myself in a position to be crippled by a woman, who I thought would never actually do the thing that would cripple me. It blindsided me and traumatized me. But the devil has always used women to attack men at their weakest points, from the beginning, I need to start expecting it rather than continuously letting it break me. Her total physical and emotional withdraw was the only thing that could cripple me like this. So of course that's what happened, its been happening for years now. Because I am still not strong enough there. I take the blame. I put too much emotional pressure on her and I didn't protect the boundaries of our friendship. Because I still wasn't strong enough there, I am still trying to give back to my inner child something that he can never get back. That is what this is all about for me.
I am honored that the Lord considers me worthy of such suffering, because of the saint I know He is building me into, yet I am sure I am not capable of bearing it. For this time it is 100x worse than it ever was before. God will take it away or transform it in due time, but I actually don't want Him to until I get this lesson ingrained. He doesn't ask me to kill my hope of its end, but He does ask me not to force or presume the arrival. That's not what I need to focus on. I need to reach out to Him in more extreme ways so that I can control my extreme flesh: these moments of shear panic, severe, almost daily, anxiety attacks, ruthless piercing thoughts that make me sick to my stomach. All this pushes me back into the uncontrolled child I used to be. That's how it is with wounds. Its like a crack in your armor, you take a risk, thinking you are safe, until the blade slips through that crack. Then its all survival mode. The animal brain starts taking over. All the defense mechanisms kick into high gear. And that's where I find myself still, almost everyday, after being essentially ghosted with no warning more than six months ago (in retrospect, there were warning signs but I just had too much faith in us to work it out). Maybe this is us working it out, but without the communication to ground me in her reality, I am totally susceptible to the worst most painful ideas that lurk around my wound. It still hurts like it was yesterday. But even if it hurts like this for the rest of my life, I must go further. My stronghold, my strength, my Lord, my Father, teach me how to love my crucifixion. Teach me to be humble enough to die. My spirit begs you for the love of Yours, unite us in Your Son. Teach me to recognize that it is all His suffering first that I might transcend my own and satiate Him. Forgive me for the times I run away. Deliver me from this fearful body. Make me the man I am destined to be.
So when I say some serious changes are in order, what I mean is that my flesh is not moving on, and I need to start forcing it, in extreme ways, into a new consciousness. Into conformity with my spirit, who simply loves and lets be. The trouble with being so traumatized is that I need very corporeal changes in order to heal. Not mere therapy or knowledge, but tangible differences in my world. I need to suffer in new holy ways. That is to say, I need new deep relationships, new actual ministry, new physical disciplines, and new art (the website is my artistic outlet). Everything is difficult these days, but the private stuff is a little easier to do. I'm setting up a new rule of life to follow for the next thirty days' after this set. Making each task a prayer for someone I love is all the motivation I need with God's help! God, help me! I also may be starting a new ministry soon; I am very hopeful about it. Making new friends in the Church, however, that is going to be much more difficult for me. Even if I can find one local person who is actually available for a deep relationship on my level, it would be a small miracle. It has to be face to face and it has to be somewhat regular. Thats part of the incarnational thing. My body needs to see and feel and hear them directly and frequently. I have a plan for starting this search as well, starting tomorrow evening. We'll see how it goes... Peace be with you.