Still here. Still rising early. Still praying every day for you. Just giving myself the freedom to post only when I feel inspired, although I encourage all to keep a regular writing habit.
The Father took me aside to renew my strength and give me new vision. He is present to me. He loves me. He is proud of me. He gives me power over evil and breaks through the unbreakable in my life. He heals my wounds. He guards my heart. He appreciates all the wonderful gifts I have. He encourages me to keep exercising them. Even in the dark desert night we are together, perhaps at a distance at times, but I see Him or know Him near. And we are moving, always moving, He keeps me moving. This is not the opposite of quiet or stillness, it is the embodiment of it. For to sit in the pain is only to let it paralyze me. I must keep in step with the Spirit. I am making progress in detachment from this girl. This is no way implies that I am pushing away my love for her or trying to forget her or replace her, such would merely be the easy way out and a short term solution. Not to mention, I would just be using another woman if I went that route. Obviously, I am still in love with her and that is why this hurts so much. I’d die to feel again the holy tenderness of her heart and the incomparable radiance of her beauty. And so I have died and I will continue to die. Detachment is not letting go in the sense of stepping over her or judging her or convincing myself that she doesn’t deserve me, or any of this other worldly nonsense. True spiritual detachment, in fact, is increasing attachment to God so that we can hold the things we love in the right way. This is why I have always believed that being in love with someone does not have to be about any particular vocation. It is supposed to have a chaste sexual element and that is okay. It is simply the love that is due to each of us from everyone by the merits of Christ’s body who we are! The journey into this truth is not easy, it’s does not fit the world’s way of treating people as consumer goods, things to be tried and enjoyed and then perhaps returned or tossed away. I have refused to participate in this system of abuse. I am building a better life, the Catholic life, where spiritual virginity and nuptial love coexist in all our interpersonal relations. That is what the Father has been doing with me now these many long years of failure in love, leading me into my kingship through a purgation of continual rejection. I don’t blame anyone for not seeing the truth about me; if my presentation and actions had been purer I could have protected you better from doubt. My suffering continues to improve me in this way, until finally I am able love you with the full self-donation of God. I seek that day more than all else. The devil hates my love and wants me to have no support or hope for this endeavor. I am hurting so much, it feels terrible to wake up almost every morning, but I am so joyful to offer my sufferings for her growth and for the salvation of our families. I was always willing to be whatever I needed to be to be a blessing to her. God put her in front of me and so I loved her with all my heart. If He slowly takes her from my heart, than so be it; if He brings her back to me, so be it. She is free and I am free. But she chose to break our relationship, so the initiative to begin again is hers to bear. The burden of not invading her freedom is mine, and even in these posts I feel guilty for that, although I don't think it is wrong to talk about her. I hope the picture that I paint of her is not too tainted by my agony. When she walks in grace, she really is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. To walk away from such a light has been the most difficult trial of my life. But I must be content to do His Will. He balances my life for me by showing me the reality of the ground beneath me. Because my love is what it is, supernatural at core, I cannot ask for anyone to reciprocate and I cannot chase those who leave. Again this would be the way of the world and not of God. You don’t see Jesus chasing anyone, ever. He makes a gentle invitation and then leaves us to our freedom. The invitation is there to all who I have loved, I have absolutely no barriers up, even to my life’s greatest enemies. I accept anyone who joins me on this journey to Heaven in whatever way the Spirit prompts. If you want to leave this dying world aside and simply love each other, then that to me is the fulfillment of all the prophets and the law. The only true freedom. The discernment of our work together will be gentle and mutual if we do it right. As will our departures. Until the day that Love is all in all.
The Father be with you. Happy Feast of the Maternity of Mary!