I'm so tired. I feel like I'm losing my head sometimes. I don't understand why. I was fine, I was content. Now I'm barely breathing. One day, one hour, one breath at a time kid. Be present to our dying Lord.
This is what I heard today:
The place I was relocating to in the dream was called (roughly) "dweller near the stronghold" in English. I was reluctant to move until I saw that it was close to a holy community, wherein I knew I could thrive. I also felt this pressure to move in order to please the woman I loved. I wanted to do it for her and it made sense. There was a topographical map showing two mountains, one where we would live and one where the religious community was. Only thirty minutes apart. The Lord was telling me that I need to establish myself in a place of strength (stronghold) close to the Catholic Church and await a revelation for my occupation and vocation. Silly? Maybe. Meaningful to me? Yes.
The hoodlums at Nanny's house symbolized the world trying to take ground from my present home and my Church. I was able to non-violently move them away with some degree of authority. Nanny is the Church as well as the guardian of my vocation generally (its not the real Nanny who has appeared to me in other dreams). But Nanny/the Church won't even look at me... Why? She is the only place I have ever known as home and where I spend all my strength in prayer and work. Why is she ignoring me? Yet it almost seemed unintentional. Like I actually was invisible. She literally cannot see me, or see who I really am... I don't know how to change this yet.
Mom is in the basement trying to clean up broken pieces of drywall... Why does this bother me? Because it is not her home. She doesn't know this place. She in fact is not helping, even though her heart is good in the effort. A woman cannot do this work, its out of her charism. I took from this as a reminder that a woman or women cannot fix the brokenness in the home of my soul. Although a helper would be nice. First, I need to look for a holy man I can learn from. This is hard for me. I don't look up to many men in my world. Not sure why exactly. I don't see many men living the way I want to live I suppose. They have to be a lot older than me usually. My spiritual director is awesome right now, but someone else in the Church, preferably an old and holy husband and father...
The cabin and deer element of the dream, I'll leave for another time, maybe.