One of my prayers was clearly answered. I got the direction I needed and I made a very liberating decision. Its a crazy life. You would think that love would be easier to live. I feel terrible for all the people who learned love from Hollywood and television. Narcissistic 'love'. The addiction and idolatry of novelty and pleasure. From this culture of death, Jesus, deliver us. I hate the devil for his victories over my family and friends. Not that they aren't good people, no worse than me; I just hate that we allow so many barriers to love in our relationships. A lot of it is really unnecessary. Always taking out our hurt on other people. We can allow the hurt to be crucified with Christ and sent back to hell where it belongs. But not often do we succeed, since it requires a natural death. Our nature is programmed to avoid death. We defend ourselves. We want retribution. We want someone to save us from the burden.
On the contrary, we shouldn't hold onto a burden that's not efficacious. This is my problem. It usually begins involuntarily as empathetic intercession, but then I don't know when to let go. I just want to get the crucifixion over with and get out of this gross and suffocating world. I want to give my all, all at once, so I can go home. But I don't exactly get to choose my cross. My cross was chosen for me from eternity. I knew this one wasn't mine when I felt no more joy in it. I don't mean pleasure. The pleasure for me died long ago. But there was still joy in the barrenness, in the hope of resurrection. A tree with no fruit withers and dies. I thought it might be saved, but its already dead. I suspect it was never the living tree I thought it was. Merely another hard lesson from the Gardener. It takes two to raise life, and I was doing all the work alone. So God pulled me away from trying to save it. I am starting over. Rediscovering myself through the eyes of the Father. Allowing myself to be the uncompromising man that I know He's made me to be. Searching for the place that can receive my passion. Fighting evil with patience, purity, meekness, and humility. Walking through the darkness following His light. God be with you too.