Here I am Lord.
Your son, your sinner.
It’s been a hard last few days. There were beautiful moments. I remember, dimly, distantly. I can’t stop feeling so alone. So unworthy of love. None are worthy, I know. But we are married to the Spirit of Love and joy. Stuck. That’s what I’ve been feeling. So trapped in an interior space that’s suffocating me. It so clear that it doesn’t need to be this way. But it doesn’t seem to be in my power to change anything. I can’t make the connection happen. I’m too empty. I didn’t pray enough. That’s what it is. Yet I prayed so very much. Still. Not enough. It’s constant. I don’t stop speaking to you for long, and as soon as I do, the weight comes again. It’s too heavy. I can’t bear it. Christ already held it for me. I believe. This conversation gives momentary reprieve. The work. The vision. Our Lady. I just want to love and to share. But what I have isn’t received, except by you, and you don’t need anything from me. I do love them all, so much. I don’t know how to show it. All I do is pray for them. But I don’t enjoy being with them. That’s not true. But I feel like a burden all the time. Like its better if I just go away. So here I am. Telling you what you already know, just so that I can remember that I am known. That I am beautiful to someone in this present moment. Your love holds me. I cry so much now. It’s pathetic but I’m grateful for it still.
I’m afraid to stop writing. I’m afraid of the thoughts that will come. They wait for me like a monster that feeds on me when I’m still. I wanted to receive your Body today. I didn’t because my routine is breaking down with this injury. Why? What are you teaching me? Everything seemed like it was getting better. We were going to talk and it was going to be good. I don’t understand. I suffer well most of the time don’t I? I put your Love into the pain. Most of the time. Today I feel defeated. But I’m not. Just a few desperate selfish choices. I’m forgiven. I know You are here. I’m going to share this because maybe someone will pray for me, and know that I love them, and I am with them in Christ’s affliction. Praise Him. Praise You God. Praise You Lord of Light and Love and Truth and Beauty. I am your gift, be my Giver, share my heart with your children. This darkness will not have the last Word.
Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you for the great depths of beauty you have revealed to me in them, in us. I know I’m supposed to help them see what you have shown me. But I don’t know how. I just say what is true to me, or nothing, and just listen and pray. The reality of my life speaks of You. You did that. Thank you for that. But I’m still lost. Still such a child. These creatures you put here to be in communion, are they? Am I? The spirit acts though the mind and body cannot tell it. I believe. Help me. I want to be perfect for You, perfect as You are. But the journey passes through so many deaths. Raise me up again Lord, I fall.