Violence or Hell?

Its hard to have a five-year financial plan and stick to it, while you feel like the world is falling apart around you. Its still worth keeping commitments for the sake of integrity and holiness, but it is hard to believe that it is actually going to pay off in any material sense. I've felt this way for almost two decades now. I understand that some of this emotion is just my personality type; I fly to extremes quite easily and I am hungry for that state of necessity that makes me feel truly alive. I have been learning how to cultivate this passion in the mundane, but part of me still keeps looking over its shoulder for the end times. Know what I mean? Like I am here plowing my field, day after day, secretly hoping with a holy fear to be summoned to join the Church's crusade against Satan and his warlords. I mean a literal war. Which is probably coming soon. When rationality and communication break down, violence is all that's left on the table. The transition from monk to knight really shouldn't be that hard, assuming we have accepted enough pressure on ourselves in the monastic life. Right? We don't get to Heaven without a fight. The dragon is here. Right now in your face, telling you to take the easy road; offering you pleasure and comfort and fun. Meanwhile, our family and friends are falling into hell by the droves. Send me Lord. I will go. Continue to show me the way.

My only reason for seeking financial freedom is to have the personal freedom to begin the school of life that burns in my soul. A safe haven for Catholic families (including my own if I am so blessed) amidst this deceitful and depraved generation. I don't think we realize how bad it is out there. We are losing ground like late Rome, the barbarians are in the gates, and Catholics are still casually philosophizing and living comfortable lives like spoiled hippies. The Truth will hurt people, but nobody wants to do that hard work anymore. Nobody wants to take the hit from their retribution. No godly correction is accepted without anger these days. Because we lack virtue. When virtue fails the sword will return. History is violent because God is fighting for our souls and the reality of death is going to be the last call to action for a lot of overly complacent people. Let us not be one of them, Lord, and fight now with all our strength to win souls without blood. I already know I have failed more than I will want to see, but Father lead me to a better life, a better use of time, that I might fail You no more.